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Monday, April 24, 2006

When moonbats come home to roost

Warning: Irony Alert Level - High

Approximately once a year I find myself having to gently remind the reading public of a few salient facts about myself and this site.  Today seems to be such a day:

Although I was unanimously elected the sole representative of the global religious Jewish community several years ago, and dutifully assumed office the moment I began keeping this journal, I'll be the first to admit that I occasionally lose focus and become a bit of a potty mouth.  It is one of my great failings and I always regret such lapses when they are brought to my attention.

Unfortunately, most people lack the courage of their moral convictions and fear telling the emperor he is wearing no clothes.  Speaking 'truth to power' is, sadly, a challenge to which almost nobody wishes to rise.

It is my good fortune, therefore, that somewhere in the wilds of Marina Del Rey, California lives a selfless woman whose thankless self-appointed job it is to vigilantly monitor my writing output... and when necessary, guide me gently back onto the straight and narrow. 

This must be a tremendous personal burden which, I fear, likely keeps her from enjoying the finer things in life such as direct human contact, periodic interaction with members of the medical community, and the latest advances in the pharmaceutical arts.

Others may look at this woman and see only a housebound agoraphobe with a puritanical streak and a cable modem.  But I see her for what she is; a crusader for truth, justice and the evangelical way... dedicating herself to tirelessly conferring upon countless others a level of exquisite moral purity that she has already carefully distilled in herself.

As the sole representative of religious Jews everywhere, I can't help but be thankful for such a spiritual proctor who frequently demonstrates the moral courage to remind me when the august mantle I wear begins to drag in the mud. 

I'm deeply ashamed to admit that when the mood for sincere introspection is not upon me I occasionally delete her comments.

If only there were some honors or awards I could confer on such a selfless person that would adequately express my gratitude.  But alas she prefers to humbly pursue her chosen quest from behind the anonymous veil of multiple surnames... choosing instead to be known to the world only by the simple moniker; 'Joan'.

Therefore, from this day forward... by the powers invested in me by the those who so long ago crowned me 'Treppenwitz - Protector of Jewish Values and Sole Representative of Religious Jews Worldwide' , I hereby dub thee 'Dame Joan - Mistress of the Most Noble Order of the Common Garden Troll, Protector of Cyber Purity and Defender of the Faith'.

Arise Dame Joan and sally forth on your chosen quest with vigor and strength.

</irony>

Update:  In reading through the last post I wrote about one of Dame Joan's visits to treppenwitz, I noticed some sage advice offered by doctor Bean that is as relevant now as it was then:

"If you've been more sad than happy for many weeks, or if you see or hear things that other people don't see or hear, or if you believe that public things like the TV or the internet have secret private messages just for you, please see your doctor and report to him these symptoms."

220_33

Posted by David Bogner on April 24, 2006 | Permalink

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ouch...

Posted by: nrg | Apr 24, 2006 1:42:46 PM

So, it seems that you have the virtual version of the "church lady" (l'havdil??)monitoring your language, huh?
Maybe you can blame it on...SATAN..

Posted by: westbankmama | Apr 24, 2006 2:06:55 PM

"No matter how exalted the purpose and how great the spiritual benefits, they never trump simple human decency." Can I get a hell yeah!

Posted by: kakarizz | Apr 24, 2006 2:36:35 PM

David, send her my way. She'll have a frickin' aneurysm when she reads my stuff.

Posted by: Elisson | Apr 24, 2006 4:33:05 PM

So it's your fault I can't get caramel sufganiyot in St Louis, huh? Could you work on that?

And yeah, what Elisson said.

Posted by: Tess LaCoyle | Apr 24, 2006 4:57:22 PM

Ohhhhhhhhhh, you are killing me. Genius. Thanks for the laugh.

Posted by: Alice | Apr 24, 2006 6:19:17 PM

Marina Del Rey is beautiful this time of year. She needs to get out more, go rollerblading down to Venice or something like that.

Posted by: Jack | Apr 24, 2006 7:04:06 PM

THAT was a hilarious and beautifully written post! Just polish that halo . . .

Posted by: ezer knegdo | Apr 24, 2006 7:32:01 PM

You are a very naughty boy, David!

For SHAME!

Posted by: jaime | Apr 24, 2006 7:53:17 PM

Hillarious. You can not have the word moonbat however. It is patented by the hard right. When addressing the extremists on our side it is preferable NOT to use OUR fave word for hard leftists. I know they don't have anything quite so comically effective nor so fraught with dismissive derision and general fun .... but I'm sure you can come up with something.

Posted by: Scott | Apr 24, 2006 8:16:20 PM

Absolutely hilarious! : D Wow, that was a great entry to lift up one's mood on a rainy day! : )

Posted by: Irina | Apr 24, 2006 8:25:03 PM

It's okay, David. We still like you anyways :)

Posted by: Shayna | Apr 24, 2006 8:39:44 PM

LOL

Posted by: seawitch | Apr 24, 2006 9:09:58 PM

Man, now I want to read what she has to say. Forget what the representative of the global religious Jewish community is rambling about, I want to be updated on the crazy woman!

Posted by: Seth | Apr 24, 2006 10:34:02 PM

Absolutely briiliant post! Now that I've gotten off the floor I can type this to you.

Posted by: Jewish Blogmeister | Apr 25, 2006 12:24:01 AM

I say, Thank goodness for Dame Joan...someone's gotta clean up this joint ;)

Posted by: Randi(cruisin-mom) | Apr 25, 2006 2:14:31 AM

Now I'm dying to know what she said! And since you're in charge of the Global Jewish Religious Community, could you do something about the spelling on the road signs in Israel? Some uniformity in English spelling would be helpful...it's NOT "Petak TiqWa"! ((-:

Posted by: aliyah06 | Apr 25, 2006 2:39:18 AM

very, very funny!!!

And good on you for recognising Dame Joan's...um..greatness(?!), and getting on with life!

Posted by: zemirah | Apr 25, 2006 3:12:47 AM

Oh man oh man oh man! THAT was funny! And who can beat making fun of annoying mentally ill people?

I still stand by my sage advice at the end. One day, she'll thank me.

Posted by: Doctor Bean | Apr 25, 2006 4:50:25 AM

Absolutely hilarious, as usual. I am rolling on the floor laughing :D

Posted by: Essie | Apr 25, 2006 5:20:50 AM

I see the "peanut gallery" is alive and well in your comment section, Dave.

What you could do is thank the lady from Marina Del Rey for her concern.

Posted by: Dina | Apr 25, 2006 9:20:58 AM

Joan? As in "Joan of Arc"?

Bwahahahahahahahaha!

Yes, thank her for providing you with some of the funniest material you've posted since, well, the last time!

Posted by: jennifer | Apr 25, 2006 11:19:57 AM

Goodness gracious, your special flower is still around?

Give her this to read...

Posted by: a | Apr 25, 2006 12:09:59 PM

nrg... You only see the comments I leave up. If you saw the ones I delete or the emails you'd say more than ouch.

Westbankmama... Apparently I'm Satan... just so we're clear.

Kakarizz... will you settle with a amen?

Elisson... I've tried to send her NAYWHERE but my site and she seems to be like the proverbial bad penny. I suppose it could be worse... she could dislike my language AND have the computer chops to hack my site. :-)

Tess... I think you actually WOULD give her a heart attack. :-)

Alice... I suppose it wouldn't help to say I wasn't going for a laugh here. No?

Jack... Something tells me she's not the rollerblading type. A broom might be more her speed.

Ezer Knegdo... I've given up on the halo long ago. Now I'm just trying to keep off the express elevator to the hot place. :-)

Jaime... Yes, I deserve quite the spanking.

Scott... I was waffling between moonbat and tinfoil hat brigade but she didn't seem quite paranoid enough for that one. I'm open to suggestions (and you've never been shy about offering them). :-)

Irina... That's me... Mr. Sunshine! :-)

Shayna... thanks. I've actually written quite a few of these things over the past couple of years and I trash almost all of them as being just too mean. This one made the cut because I was somehow able to maintain things at sarcastic without going over into just plain mean.

Seawitch... No offense intended with that earlier broomstick crack. I'm sure you're a good witch. :-)

Seth... You can read the comments section of the previous post, but to get the real sense of Dame Joan's greatness you need to follow the link I posted early in the post.

Jewish Blogmiester... Happy to lift your spirits.

Randi... It has started to get a bit seedy, hasn't it. :-)

Aliyah06... Just read the comments in the previous post and then follow the link I placed in the beginning of this post. As to the spelling, I've never seen Petach Tiqwa spelled the same way twice in English here. Sorry I can't be of more help.

Zemirah... I really should count myself lucky that Joan is about as bad as things get around here. ind of like owning a creaky old building and finding out it's haunted... by Casper. :-)

Doctor Bean... The perfect ending would be if she started signing her comments and emails with 'Dame Joan, O.C.G.T.P.C.P.D.F. (Order of the Common Garden Troll, Protector of Cyber Purity and Defender of the Faith').

Essie... I very disappointed in you for laughing at this. ;-)

Dina... May I reply by simply saying you need to read some of her earlier stuff for context before calling us all meanies.

Jennifer... Looking over my inbox I really never lack for material... she just seems to be the most consistent contributor. :-)

a. ... Wow, that's one powerful article. I doubt she'd appreciate it though, as it contains the word 'damned'. :-)


Posted by: treppenwitz | Apr 25, 2006 1:40:34 PM

" I'm gonna just have to say a pray against you" - singed Joan of Troll.

Posted by: Andy | Apr 25, 2006 4:29:50 PM

A broom might be more her speed.

I so very much want to comment on this. Such restraint does not come easily to me.

Posted by: Jack | Apr 25, 2006 5:34:23 PM

Trepp,Trepp, Trepp,

In trouble again, not for deleting this time, but for jumping the gun. How do you know that the person who sent you the e-mail in Nov,of 2004 is the same person "Joan" who just ask you a simple question. Which by the way, you never answered. Sometimes you just make me ashamed to be Jewish.

Posted by: Ma? | Apr 25, 2006 6:10:37 PM

Andy... Please don't give her ideas. I've got all the bad mojo/karma I can handle right now. :-)

Jack... I know, and I appreciate it.

Ma?... I know only one thing: It's a good thing I added an 's' at the end of moonbat because somehow I knew a few more would come home to roost. Why do you come here if I offend your sensibilities so much? Why subject yourself to such iniquity?

Posted by: treppenwitz | Apr 25, 2006 11:08:58 PM

Well I may have gotten a tad tangential as I took off on someone calling her 'church lady' and that got me thinking she's a rightwing nutcase as opposed to a leftwing nutcase. Actually in those extreme positions I guess moonbat is equally appropriate. Barking moonbat adds a little something.

Still, I hope she's of the pink persuasion as I would hate to share this wonderfully descriptive term with the 'other side'. Ya never know where such a trend might get started.

Posted by: Scott | Apr 26, 2006 12:13:52 AM

Your description of Dame Joan reminds me of a lyric from the hilarious Ray Stevens song, "Mississippi Squirrel Revival":

"All the way down to the Amen Pew,
Where sat Sister Bertha Better-Than-You ..."

When I am confronted with types like that, I like to imagine them getting jumped on by a large Labrador or Golden Retriever, who then licks their faces relentlessly.

Posted by: Rahel | Apr 26, 2006 1:51:42 PM

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