Does this make me look fat?

Back in the early '80s Somalia was trying to shake off the effects of a costly defeat in a war it had started with its neighbor, Ethiopia. The main reason Somalia lost the war was because the Soviet Union and Cuba sent both troops and military aid to Ethiopia.

As a result of the defeat, Somalia experienced a political sea change and swung from a pro-socialist outlook to basically hating the Soviets and all they stood for. The Soviet navy was banned from Somali ports and my ship, which had been hanging out in the North Arabian Sea and Indian Ocaen, was sent to make a political visit in the port of Berbera, Somalia.

When we got there it was about 115 degrees Fahrenheit in the shade. In the middle of the day even the camels and goats refused to move, so I was fascinated to see that the dockworkers were able to function in spite of the blistering conditions. Then I noticed that all the men were wearing light cotton wrap-around skirts (for lack of a better word). Several of us asked around and were able to purchase a few of these skirts (basically a long piece of dyed cotton) and we wore them for the duration of our visit (when we weren’t required to be in uniform, of course).

I have to tell you, after the first little discomfort of walking around in what was basically a man-sarong, I started to see some merit to the concept. Ventilation is a beautiful thing, in moderation. Instead of my thighs wanting to ignite from sheer friction, I was suddenly cool as a cucumber (OK, admittedly an unfortunate choice of imagery)! However, despite visiting dozens of other desert and tropical countries around the world, I never had another opportunity (or the nerve) to break out my man-skirt.

Well, a big thanks goes out to Chuck and Beth for pointing me to this,  but I wonder how many men (outside of Scotland, that is) would have the nerve to wear this little number?

I love the concept, and it actually seems quite practical (hey, you can even order it with the ‘Beer Gut Cut’!), but I really think it’s a look that very few men can carry off, um, manfully.

In the advertisement all the models are doing manly things (welding, construction, etc.), and wearing big hobnail boots to ward off some of the ‘swish factor' involved. But no matter how you package it, what we’re talking about here is a skirt. With pleats.

Without going into too much detail about what Jewish law might have to say on this particular subject, there are quite a few ‘rules and regs’ about what women can wear… and if I’m not mistaken, there is also a sticky little prohibition against men wearing women’s clothing.

Not to worry though, you aren’t likely to be seeing me in a skirt anytime soon. To demonstrate how ill-prepared I might be for such a dramatic change in wardrobe, let me share a quick story:

When Zahava and I were dating we attended a costume party/dinner together. We attended this soirée dressed in full Scottish regalia. Unfortunately, there were impromptu skits during the entertainment portion of the evening, and I was one of the people called to sit in front of the gathered crowd as part of a skit. As I glanced around the room, I saw a lot of grinning and nudging going on, and I noticed Zahava gesturing wildly for me to put my knees together. Like most guys, when I sit down I'm used to either casually crossing my legs or sitting with my knees splayed a foot or two apart. I don’t recall which of these two classic poses I selected, but suffice it to say neither was the correct posture while wearing a kilt.

So, coming back to the Utilikilt, as much as I would love to indulge ‘the troops’ in a little R&R out in the fresh air, I don’t think I can bear the idea of having to ask my wife that dreaded question:

"Does this make me look fat?"