In which David's halo gets tarnished

This is a long, angry post. 

Not only is it long... but it paints me in a light that isn't entirely flattering.  You might want to skip it entirely.

I have promised on several occasions not to use treppenwitz in place of therapy... or to expect my reader's advice to stand in for the expertise of a competent 'shrink'.  That said, I have been steamed for a couple of weeks now over a a border dispute in West Turdistan... and I just need to vent.

While the dangers in venting online are many, the points which worry me most are:

1.  While I am certain that the people with whom I am angry do not read my blog... there is always the small possibility that the information could, by accident or design, be brought to their attention... spoiling a childish plan for revenge I have already set in motion.

2.  The waters have become somewhat murkier than necessary because of something called 'irrational fear'.  I can't dismiss irrational fear... but I can permit myself the freedom to be completely exasperated by it.

3.  I suspect that most of my readers think I am a really nice, level-headed guy.  By publishing this entry, I risk blowing that squeaky clean image out of the water and 'tarnishing my halo', so to speak.  I am a really nice guy... but every nice guy has his a dark side.  Prepare to meet mine.

In the months leading up to my installing a beehive behind our house, I spent quite a bit of time and energy reading up on the topic, talking to professional beekeepers and most important, speaking to my neighbors.  The result of this process lead me to believe that this was a hobby that could be conducted in my back yard without causing any inconvenience or danger to anyone. 

When I spoke with my neighbors, I spent a great deal of time educating them about honey bee behavior... and at the same time I tried to dispel many of the misconceptions and fears that people have about them.

I told them about hobbyist beekeepers who keep hives on their inner city balconies with no adverse impact on their neighbors.  I explained that the presence of a hive nearby would actually improve their lawns... their flower gardens... and the amount of fruit their trees would bear. 

I also promised to remove the hive at the first indication that it was, in fact becoming a danger to anyone.

The neighbors on both sides gave their enthusiastic blessing to a hive in my yard... and everything was good.

Then, the week after I installed the hive in its place, I got a call from one of my elderly neighbors who, to protect her anonymity, I will call Mrs. Irrational. 

Mrs. Irrational called to tell me that she had spoken with 'a friend' who had told her that it was very dangerous to have bees living nearby... and that she had been told that it was not uncommon for bees to come into people's houses when they were baking in order to attack them.

I assured her that this was not the case.  I explained that honey bees practice something called 'bloom loyalty', which basically means that while they are foraging on one kind of blossom, they will ignore all other sources of nectar until that source is completely exhausted.  This is how beekeepers can market honey from a particular source (e.g. orange blossom honey) with I high degree of certainty.  I told her that more opportunistic insects such as yellow jackets / hornets were another story altogether... but that I had no control over them.   I could tell she was still bothered so I offered to come over and answer any of the questions that had occurred to her since we had last spoken.

When I sat with her she told me that she has a medical condition where her left side has little or no immune protection, and that as a result she couldn't even receive vaccinations in her left arm.  She was frightened that being stung on her left side would be dangerous for her.

I asked her why she hadn't mentioned this during our first conversation and she just shrugged.  I told her that I was too new to beekeeping to know how to address her concerns and asked for a day to speak with a professional beekeeper who had been my primary source of information. 

She agreed.

My beekeeper friend assured me that having a single hive in proximity to her house (about 15-20 yards away) did not present an elevated risk to her, and offered to speak with her.  He pointed out that the fruit trees and flowers in her yard would attract bees whether I had a hive in my yard or not... and he offered to try to put her mind at ease.  He also pointed out that he had a children's visitor center in his apiary in close proximity to dozens of active hives... and in all the years he has been giving tours, not one person had ever been stung!

When I spoke with her the next day, I was able to answer with confidence that she would not have any increased risk of a sting because of my hive... and she accepted this.  I ask her a few questions of my own, though.  I asked why she didn't have screens on her windows if she were afraid of being stung? I pointed out that the plants and trees in her yard naturally attracted bees... didn't this worry her?   She just shrugged.  I also asked her if she took any other precautions about getting cuts on her left side (such as not opening cans) and she said that all she knew is that her doctor had told her not to get shots on her left side.

Fast forward a few more days and I get another call from Mrs. Irrational saying that she had spoken with a beekeeper who said that it was indeed very dangerous to have bees in an area where people lived.  I asked who this beekeeper was and she hedged by saying that she hadn't actually talked to a beekeeper, but that her friend (from whom she had previously gotten bad information) had spoken to a beekeeper. 

Now I was getting a little annoyed.  I asked her if she had called my friend to discuss her concerns and she said no.  When I asked why not, she answered that she didn't know him and therefore didn't trust what he had to say.  I asked her if in the time since I had put the hive in my yard she had seen any increase in bee activity near her yard.  She reluctantly admitted that she hadn't seen a single bee.

After a trying half hour of answering the same questions and restating things I had already told her, I got a grudging agreement from both Mrs irrational and her husband to spend a week or two paying attention to whether there were an increased number of bees in their yard.

A couple of days later I got a call from a representative of Israel's Ministry of agriculture who dealt with issues related to bees.  He said he had just had a complaint from my neighbor about my hive. 

I explained the sequence of events to him and he was surprised to hear that I had only one hive.  Apparently he had been led to believe I was running an unlicensed apiary in my back yard.  He was even more surprised to hear where I lived, since he was not sure if Israeli law was even applicable in my area (areas outside the green line are subject to a mixture of Jordanian and Ottoman law, and Israeli law is often not applicable).

He said that normally one needs permission from his office to operate an apiary.  But they routinely gave waivers to hobbyists with less than 5 hives.  Also, there was a rule (which he said was largely unenforced due to the number of Arab beekeepers in villges across the country) that said one could not have a beehive within 150 meters of a residence.  However, he pointed out that the whole issue of law was moot since I lived in 'the shtachim' (the west bank), because he didn't have to time or resources to find out if Israeli law even applied here. 

I also explained to him that I had been consulting with [name of well respected professional beekeeper], which further put his mind at ease that I was acting responsibly.  He suggested I try to reason with my neighbor again and wished me luck.

That evening I went over and asked my neighbors why they had contacted the Ministry of Agriculture and filed a complaint when we had agreed among ourselves to 'wait and see' whether they even noticed increased bee activity.  They both just shrugged.  When I pressed for an answer (and related my conversation with the person from the MOA) they said that they didn't care what he said, they believed only their friend who was telling them it was a serious danger to them (and everyone else in the neighborhood... despite the fact that they had still not seen a single bee). 

At this point I was trying (unsuccessfully) to hide my annoyance, and told them that I needed to see if there were any other suitable places for the hive in the area.  I also explained that moving a hive was something that had to be done in an organized fashion so that the bees wouldn't instinctively come back to the site where the hive had previously been situated.  They agreed to let have until the end of the week to do some investigating.

Within two hours the husband came over and demanded to know exactly when the hive would be removed.    I reminded him that we had agreed that I could have until the end of the week to come up with a plan.  He shook my hand and said that he would speak to me at the end of the week.

That evening I spoke with our community's security officer to ask him if he had any suggestions about places in Efrat that might be suitable for a hive... well away from residential areas.  He said there were several that came to mind and volunteered to drive me around on Thursday afternoon to select a spot.  He also put me in touch with the head of the orchards for a neighboring kibbutz who said he would be delighted to have me put my hive on his land if I so desired.

With a sigh of relief I went to bed confident that an amicable solution was in sight.

The next afternoon Zahava called me at work to tell me there was someone at the door asking her to sign for a letter.  He wouldn't identify himself and wouldn't say who the letter was from.  I advised her not to sign for the letter, and to tell the messenger to either leave it or take it away, as he saw fit.  He ended up leaving the letter.

The letter turned out to be from Mr. & Mrs. Irrational's son-in-law (who is an attorney) stating that the hive was against the law and demanding that I "remove it without delay or there would be serious legal consequences".

Right about here is where I lost my mind.

Every step of the way I had been civil and had reached agreements with these people as to what I would be doing.  I never once forced them to do or say anything, and every conversation ended with them smiling and shaking my hand on what the 'next steps' would/should be. 

In ever case they immediately turned around and did whatever the hell they wanted without regard to how it would impact me.

This lawyer's letter was the last straw.

I called them up and asked them why they had contacted an attorney when we had all agreed that I could have until the end of the week to sort things out.  The answer was a mish-mash of childish excuses about being scared, and their suspicion that I didn't intend to comply with their request.

I responded by telling them that now that they had gotten an attorney involved, their suspicions had turned into a self-fulfilling prophesy.  I said that I had approached them as a courtesy, and that every step of the way I had tried to be a good neighbor.  I told them that it would now likely cost us both a lot of time and money to sort out the legal issues, but that I felt confident that I would prevail. 

I didn't tell them about my success in finding a new spot for the hive.

Right now I am feeling a childish desire to really make them pay for the aggravation they have caused me.  I have already moved most of my equipment to a beautiful spot in a meadow filled with wild flowers that overlooks an orchard of fruit trees.  However, I have no intention of telling them about this.  You see, I am going to leave an empty/sealed beehive exactly where the old one stood... just to annoy them.  Let them spin their wheels... yes, let them even feel scared.  I am really about two exits past caring how they feel!

I'm secretly hoping they will pull out all the stops and invest an excessive amount of time and money trying to force me to remove the bees from my yard... only to have an empty wooden box revealed to them at the end.

Yes, I'm being just that childish.

I'm not very proud of myself for this childish subterfuge... but I'm not particularly anxious to give them the satisfaction of seeing me comply with their demands while seemingly 'under fire'.

I can also assure you that there was no communication problem that lead to a series of 'misunderstandings'.  Their English is very poor so I spoke to them in very simple, carefully constructed Hebrew.  Every step of the way they were crystal clear on what I wanted to do, and in each case they agreed that I could move ahead.

I have obviously condensed and simplified the sequence of events in order to avoid boring you to tears.  However, I have not omitted or changed anything in order to make myself look better... or them look worse. 

I guess my 'halo' looks a little tarnished to you right about now.

Oh well.