Farty-Far

Today's title is a semi-private running joke that my wife and I share. 

When she was doing her BFA at Wash. U., Zahava discovered that 'farty-far' is the way the locals in St. Louis pronounce the number '44'.  I was similarly confused by the St. Louis accent on the many occasions that my band went to play gigs there. 

In fact, just saying the number 44 out loud with a St. Louis accent is enough to make both of us crack up like a couple of adolescents. 

Except today my personal odometer turned over to display this oh-so-funny number.  Yes, I am farty-far years old (the perfect number for a dyslexic like me)... and suddenly the number packs only about half the humorous punch that it used to.

Last year I published a list of 43 pretty basic things about me on my birthday.  Like any such list, it revealed considerably less than it concealed about who I really am.  Let's face it, when the subject gets to pick and chose among random factoids collected during a life of experiences... the list ends up being 9 parts saint to 1 part sinner.  If you are new to treppenwitz, you might want to read last year's list first. 

A year ago you and I were still pretty much like strangers out on a blind date.  This year I've come up with a list of farty, er, forty-four somewhat more intimate things... the kind of stuff one might discuss on a 4th or 5th date.

Here we go:

1.  I don't need my parent's approval... but I still unconsciously seek it.
2.  I almost never dream, but when I do they are almost always nightmares.
3.  I have an atrocious memory for names.
4.  My wife knows instantly if I can't remember your name and gracefully introduces herself before you realize I've forgotten it.
5.  I can't understand people who don't take afternoon naps on the weekend.
6.  An afternoon nap is improved beyond measure by the presence of a couple of sleeping kids and a wife (family schluf).
7.  I don't remember anything that occurs if I am woken up in the middle of the night.
8.  When she was pregnant, Zahava took horrible advantage of this by having me prepare omelets and milkshakes for her several nights a week.
9.  I was exhausted for much of my wife's three pregnancies.
10.  I love the taste of orange children's aspirin (St. Joseph's)
11.  I'm not a regular vitamin taker, but when I get run down I love the 'zing' I get from a sub-lingual B-12 lozenge.
12.  I am a total coffee snob (meaning I have no patience for anything less than fresh, high quality medium-dark roasted beans).
13.  I am a total coffee junky (meaning I would rather eat day-old coffee grounds or chew a spoon full of discount-brand instant coffee than suffer through the horrors of caffeine withdrawal).
14.  I have never smoked even a single cigarette (or cigar, for that matter).
15.  I find smoking to be one of the least attractive habits, and I secretly long for a few of my friends to quit.
16.  When I eat orange slices I eat the peel as well.
17.  I may not remember your name, but I remember the theme songs to almost every TV show I watched in the 60s & 70s.
18.  Wilma or Betty?  Betty (Yeah, I watched way too much TV as a kid).
19.  I have no patience with people who continually use their blogs to explain why they aren't blogging, or to constantly ask their readers for one sort of help or another.  If you have nothing to say, don't say anything... and if you are constantly in need of help, call tech support or a good therapist.
20.  One of my favorite things to do as a kid was to eat bowl after bowl of Captain Crunch (I couldn't stop until the roof of my mouth was bruised and raw).
21.  I once created an overdue invoice from an escort service and faxed it to a friend's office as a joke.
22.  As revenge for his boss finding the invoice in the fax machine, my friend put my car up for sale in the NY Times classified section for a week at an impossibly low price... with the stipulation that interested parties should call only between 5 - 6 AM (he also billed the ad to me).
23.  There are at least 82 people walking around alive today because I helped save their lives (I remind myself of this whenever I screw up badly).
24.  I understand what an elipse (...) is meant to be used for, but I prefer to [mis]use it as a place-holder for readers to take a breath in one of my long, awkward sentences.
25.  One of the few things that will turn me into a raving lunatic is intellectual laziness, sloppiness or dishonesty.
26.  I donate blood every 3 or 4 months (this provides my entire family with 'blood insurance' for a whole year here in Israel).
27.  Every month I read 'National Geographic', 'Popular Science' and 'The American Bee Journal' cover-to-cover.  I'm thinking about adding 'The New Yorker' and/or 'Harpers' to that list.
28.  Most of what I know about computers I secretly taught myself because I was too embarrassed to admit to anyone how clueless I was.
29.  I can still remember the name of the beautiful blond girl who turned me down when I asked her to go steady in 4th grade (She is now a scientist working for NASA... and yes, Google is a scary-ass tool).
30.  After almost two years of putting it off, I finally apologized to the one woman with whom I had broken up on bad terms less than 15 minutes before meeting my wife for the first time.
31.  I have known how to crochet since I was 22.
32.  I secretly wish I could be a professional writer (OK, I guess technically I am a professional writer since I get paid to write marketing copy, proposals and briefings all day... but that's not what I meant).
33.  I miss taking my family sailing.
34.  About 95% of the time I have no idea what I'm going to write about until I sit down at the computer in the morning.
35.  I delete about 15 - 20% of the journal entries I write.
36.  I absolutely hate when people forward rumors and urban legends without taking 30 seconds to check their veracity.
37.  I firmly believe that there are some people whose decisions and actions are so far beyond the pale of civilized behavior that they are no longer entitled to the niceties of due process, humane treatment or protection under any international treaty/convention. 
38.  If this makes me a conservative, so be it.
39.  I firmly believe that there are people who, through their own decisions and actions (or sometimes just bad luck) are unwilling or unable to look after their own needs, and it is therefore the responsibility of government and society to take care of them.
40.  If this makes me a liberal, so be it.
41.  In almost 14 years of marriage I have never told my wife who I voted for in any election.
42.  I would rather re-read one of my favorite books (I go back to Steinbeck's oeuvre most frequently), than take a chance on being disappointed by a new book (I'm really trying to break out of this trend).
43.  I will never force my children to eat anything I wouldn't willingly prepare for myself.
44.  If I could choose to live during any time period in history, I would want my birthday to be June 23rd, 1961.

As I said last year... those of you who are mental health professionals may now begin your analysis.  Please show your work.