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Thursday, December 01, 2005
Life, death and arguably the worst 'gaydar' on the planet

[Photo (c) Honolulu Star-Bulletin]

Posted by David Bogner on December 1, 2005 | Permalink
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Well from this article he wrote:
http://honoluluweekly.com/archives/coverstory%20%202002/04-17-02%20Hell/04-17-02%20Hell.html
(the second article on the page, entitled "A Honolulu Jew struggles with Israeli policies")
it would seem that perhaps your views weren't too far apart after all.
Posted by: Dave | Dec 1, 2005 2:32:55 PM
Dave... I didn't realize til I got to the end of the tirade that there were two different articles... the second having been written by Kirk. I have read a lot of his stuff over the years but I had managed to miss this one (no wonder when it was pushed to the bottom of a long column of screed)! The woman who wrote the first article parroted all the usual Palestinian tropes; 'atrocities', 'war crimes' and 'human rights violations'. She even managed to squeeze in the 'Jenin massacre' in a post-script. Strong work all around. :-) Knowing how committed Kirk was to Oslo he must have been demoralized to have arrived at the position he lays out in his article. Thanks for sending the link.
Posted by: David | Dec 1, 2005 3:21:34 PM
What an interesting life you have led! Sorry about the loss of your friend. And you're absolutely right about this
unless you are looking for a romantic relationship with someone, their orientation doesn't really register, and shouldn't really matter.
Posted by: Essie | Dec 1, 2005 3:39:33 PM
I'm sorry about your friend.
also it's cool, Gilli looks exactly like you, especially in the picture of you and your friends
Posted by: Rivkah Nemoy | Dec 1, 2005 4:35:04 PM
As my father would say, "People are dying today that have never died before." Sorry about your loss.
Posted by: Shayna | Dec 1, 2005 4:46:32 PM
Ironic that today is also world AIDS day.
Posted by: safranit | Dec 1, 2005 5:06:49 PM
Thanks for sharing this story today.
Posted by: John | Dec 1, 2005 6:26:28 PM
Very interesting story. He sounds like a wonderful person.
I lived in a Bayit in NYC (by Columbia University) for a while. (It was the second Bayit there, so we called it "Bayit Sheni")
Posted by: mirty | Dec 1, 2005 6:26:49 PM
Our Rabbi friend probably did not kno he was gay when rooming with you. I still remember being involved in setting him up a few times. I forgot that you lived in Honolulu for real for a while. It's sad to see a friend die. It's sad to see a friend die so young. It's sad to see a part of yourself come to an end.
Posted by: Jordan Hirsch | Dec 1, 2005 6:31:48 PM
What a beautiful tribute. It's uncanny, I was just thinking about writing a piece about people who have influence my life in different ways, and probably never knew it.
Did Kirk ever know?
Posted by: jaime | Dec 1, 2005 6:33:48 PM
Essie: I don't think we even know the half of how interesting it is. I thought you would tie in Rosa Parks in there somewhere. Sorry about your friend
and thanks for teaching me a new word "Gaydar".
Can you be Gay by association?
Posted by: Jewish Blogmeister | Dec 1, 2005 7:30:39 PM
What a beautiful, moving tribute to such a talented and special man. You made me cry. How sad that his life was so short.
I really loved hearing about this time in your life. I love when you share such personal parts of yourself with us. Thank you.
Posted by: Stacey | Dec 1, 2005 8:20:02 PM
Sounds like he was quite a fascinating person. I'm sorry about his untimely death.
Posted by: Irina | Dec 1, 2005 8:37:03 PM
Essie... It's funny that you zeroed in on that line. Those were the first words I typed when I sat down to write this entry... and the rest of the post grew from there. And yes... I've been blessed to have led an interesting life so far.
Rivkah... It never occurred to me, but looking at pictures side by side I see what you mean.
Shayna... Quite the philosopher, your father. :-)
Safranit... I hadn't realized that, but the timing is fitting. Thanks for pointing it out.
John... Thank you for sharing the off-line observation. Considering the era (1982-3) I'm not sure how valid it is though.
Mirty... I dated a couple of Columbia girls/Barnard Women (note the careful distinction) who lived at one or the other of the Columbia Bayits. I'm not surprised... I can see you in that setting.
Jordan... I can't imagine someone not knowing. From 2nd grade on I knew that little girls floated my boat... how could someone not know which way the wind was blowing in their own yard? I imagine it is more likely that he simply kept the two conflicting aspects of his world (orthodoxy and homsexuality) in completely separate compartments. Needless to say this didn't turn out to be a very good long-term plan. Thanks for the supportive note.
Jaime... If you have the opportunity to tell someone something this important while they are still around... run, don't walk to do so. I have another 'waited too long' story, but that's for another day.
Jewish Blogmiester... No, I think you actually need to be a dues paying member or nothing at all. :-) No charge for the vocabulary lesson.
Stacey... This is cathartic for me as well. Thanks for being such a receptive audience.
Irina... Thanks. I don't know if there was any connection to his illness, but not only was kirk on the State Ethics Committee, but some of his later legal work was directed at protecting the privacy of AIDS patients. This is obviously an area that is fraught with pitfalls no matter which way one looks. Err too far one way and the public is not adequately protected from inadvertent infection. Err too far the other way and innocent victims of the disease are stripped of their dignity and humanity while they are fighting for their life. I imagine only a person who is both a civil rights attorney and an AIDS patient would be able to find an appropriate legal and ethical balance.
Posted by: David | Dec 1, 2005 9:47:27 PM
I, too, keyed in the section that Essie focused on. It's an idealistic outlook, but one I hope will become the norm in my lifetime.
The fact that your friend WAS your friend, an accomplished person in a number of areas and influenced your life positively are all good things. The fact that he was gay was just another piece of information about him, but didn't make him a different person to you.
I'm proud of you, as my brother, for being able to express yourself so consistantly eloquently and for being able to see people, sometimes, as innocently as a child does.
Posted by: val | Dec 1, 2005 10:30:17 PM
"If you have the opportunity to tell someone something this important while they are still around... run, don't walk to do so."
Well not to sound too sappy, but there is a great song from (ok don't laugh) Garth Brooks - If Tomorrow Never Comes - that is a great reminder of what you just said.
Posted by: jaime | Dec 1, 2005 10:57:43 PM
It sounds like he probably benefited from his friendship with you too. It was a mutually beneficial relationship.
So sorry to hear about this.
Posted by: Jack | Dec 1, 2005 11:10:53 PM
You wrote:
If you scroll down a bit you will even find that Kirk was both an historian and pioneer of organized Judaism in the Hawaiian Islands.
Did he have anything to do with the current governor of Hawaii?
Posted by: David Gerstman | Dec 2, 2005 1:41:28 AM
David: It's hard when we have to say goodbye to someone who influenced our lives profoundly. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Rahel | Dec 2, 2005 8:44:16 AM
David, a wonderful tribute to someone who was obviously a unique individual in his own right.
And don't feel bad, not everyone is blessed with precise Gaydar. :)
Posted by: Lachlan | Dec 2, 2005 1:18:21 PM
Val... I think it already is the norm in many circles. But if you saw some of the comments I had to delete from this post (and the emails I received) you would realize that not everyone is there yet.
Jaime... Garth Brooks? I bare my soul and all you can come up with is Garth Brooks? I'm taking you off my Christmas card list! :-)
Jack... I'd like to think so, but I think he influenced me far more than I influenced him. I'm OK with that.
David Gerstman... Not that I know of, but he was involved in many aspects of Hawaiian politics, so it wouldn't surprise me.
Rahel... having read your post last week about your loss, I know you and I are on the same page here.
Lachlan... Are there lessons or something I could take? :-)
Posted by: David | Dec 4, 2005 1:12:44 AM
Hey David - now that it has been a few days, your comment "What the Google results won't tell you is that Kirk was one of the most influential people in my life..." is no longer true. Try it. :)
Posted by: jg | Dec 4, 2005 6:50:16 AM
JG... Hey, I thought you were taking a break from reading and writing?! Not that I'm not delighted to see you here and all... but I hope you've caught up with the important stuff in your life. Thanks for pointing that out... I'd forgotten that Google can sometimes become a self-fulfilling prophecy. :-)
Posted by: David | Dec 4, 2005 7:22:07 AM
This was a truly moving tribute, and I found it especially poignant that you were able to still appreciate this wonderful person's influence on you, though you have drifted so ideologically apart - such appreciation is the key to a more healthy Jewish people.
Thanks,
H
Posted by: H | Dec 4, 2005 10:33:24 AM
A very touching tribute. It's interesting how little we actually know about the people we are close to - I guess we take for granted those who are around us all the time.
I think I would settle for living a third as fascinating a life as you seem to have...
Posted by: mcaryeh | Dec 4, 2005 2:07:50 PM
David - I am taking a break - an even longer one than expected. However, your blog is on my very short list of "can't fall behind" reading. :)
Posted by: jg | Dec 7, 2005 12:32:24 AM
I'm sure that the world (and certainly the Jewish world) is better off without this ACLU, pro-"Palestinian," anti-religious, anti-family-value immoral person who died of his own causes (AIDS).
Shana Tova,
Chaim
Posted by: Chaim Rosen | Sep 19, 2006 2:12:17 AM
Yikes, After trying to find out How Kirk was doing,{I started w/ the local Newspaper} I was floored when I came across his death notice.
Kirk and I were roomates,back in the early 80's in Honolulu.
At the time was living his kosher lifestyle, me being Italian,from Boston I learn to adapt very quickly,even while I would scratch my head,seeing the dishes soaking in the bathtub before the holiday.Knowing Kirk, his mom, and his grandparents was such as pleasure I'm sorry I lost touch with him so many years ago.Even living with him for over a year while he was going to law school, looking back now, I was unaware of his lifeyle,but I will always remember about Kirk his humor,intellect, and his generosity. Chaim, reading your post it's obvious you two never met.
Posted by: Paul Pesco | Sep 29, 2006 4:15:16 PM
Interesting notes on Kirk (Shlomo) Cashmere. Yes, Dave, he didn't show any outwards signs of being gay since he himself did not think he was gay. He was close to Sharon Dratt, Malka Ben-Oni, and I think it was a tremendous internal turmoil in him not to pursue a traditional marriage. In the days of the UH Student Chavurah, and subsequently, the famous Honolulu Bayit, Kirk was Kirk, an original individual. I still am not sure in my heart if he was really "gay" or whether it was his environment that he allowed himself to be swallowed up in that determined his orientation. He was with me in February 2000, and helped with some of the preparations of burying my father. After the levaya he came over with food for a Seudas Habrah, he was himself, Kirk, not some gay fellow. So, I can't get it that he would turn from some of the Torah's strictest teachings and embrace something that is the antithesis of Torah. Furthermore, as religious as he was, he would not let himself falter into a sexual, premarital relationship, leading me to think that he was frum about his relationships. OK, maybe he faltered and developed a "gay" relationship. And perhaps he was punished with a premature death. Sadly, he did have what to offer the World and I don't think he maximized his capabilities. Maybe this life was a tikun for his previous, perhaps the next will be a tikun for this. We do not know this aspect of the Heavenly decrees. Sadly he was shunned by his family, I don't thiink anyone said kaddish for him. I called his brother and received no response; I tried to get through to the hospital when he was sick but there were strict orders that only family members would be able to contact him. According to Rabbi Krajniansky it was dificult to get the family to allow a Jewish Burial.
BTW, he did go out with many girls. He was smart, popular, and well liked. He even dated my sister for a while. We didn't always agree on issues, and even after I went to yeshivah I found there would be many items we would disagree on, however, he was who he was when he had to be, stood up for what he felt right, and for this we must remember him and his efforts to impart some normal yiddishkeit into the Hawaiian Jewish community.
And on a last note, I will never forget the surpise on Mount Olomana where we were one short of a minyan, yet we went up anyway, davened, and ate lunch. Kirk opened his peach (maybe it was apricot) yogurt and in attempting to mix it up discover instead of a cup of yogurt with some peach pieces it was a cup of a whole peach surrounded by yogurt. He was suspect of his strange roomates, however, (it wasn't me) I think in Shomayim he has finally found the answer as to who played this trick on him. I still think it was a factory mistake. But, it sure was funny, I laugh now remembering his disbelief at his fortune! I have quite a few stories about Kirk, as it was he and I who initiated the Honolulu Bayit, and he and I who eventually closed the doors to that fabulous institution.
Kirk, may your neshama have an aliyah. Say hello to all our friends up there and be a mieletz tov for K'lal Yisroel.
Posted by: Jeff (Rochamim) Glanstein | Dec 26, 2007 1:22:12 AM
I was born and grew up in Milwaukee where Randy Cashmere was my best friend ( I think ages 3-5) and Kirk was the little brother. They were essentially raised by grandparent Foodens who lived upstairs in duplex. Mom ( Eileen ) was already separated from husband Jerry and worked for Northwest Orient Airlines ( we used to draw on branded paper she’d bring home). Alas, Eileen moved the boys to California at time of starting kindergarten ( marrying a man I recall Randy did not care for ). The boys returned to Milwaukee I believe the summer of 1964 or 1965) to visit grandparents Fooden and I got to play with both. Randy at that time was fragile, the move and life had been tough on him. But I recall Kirk as mature for a young kid and confident. I lost track afterwards although Randy once was in town and looked me up while I was in my senior year in high school. But we didn’t do anything. Fast forward to my work for AARP and temporary State director housed on Oahu in 2014. I checked out a synagogue the few months I was there and saw a poster for the annual Kirk Cashmere Jewish Film festival. Some google work revealed that like me he had been a member of a Young Judea as a youth and became an attorney ( as did I ). But his legacy of civil rights and advocacy was moving and I wish I had been able to stay in touch. And I wish I could reach his brother Randy to ee how life turned out.
Posted by: Jerry Cohen | Nov 30, 2019 4:15:08 AM
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