Monsters or Victims

Youth violence and promiscuity are neither new nor news.  But for some reason, Israel is particularly late in coming to terms with these two negative, and likely connected, trends.

The reason this topic is on my mind is that last week a couple of 13-year-old boys drugged and raped a 12-year-old girl here in Israel.  The rape itself, though shocking, would probably have been relegated to a bit of 'tsk-tsk'ing and 'boys will be boys' type of public response had the girl not slipped into a coma and been hospitalized for almost a week (She's awake now).

Many in the press and government immediately started pointing fingers and trying to score points over this tragedy.  Some blamed the school strike that has left so many kids without adult supervision and at loose ends.  Others blamed the increasing sexuilzation of teen society and the pervasive sexual/sensual content on TV and in the movies.

But what few seem willing to do is blame the parents.

Israeli parents have a well-deserved reputation for spoiling their kids and being permissive to a fault.  If confronted they will often tell you some variation of the following:

"...but what can I do, they grow up so fast here in this stress-filled country and then have to go into the army to face G-d-knows-what kind of horrible dangers.  I want them to have as few responsibilities as possible and remain kids for as long as possible... because who knows what the future might bring!"

While certainly a mindset that begs understanding, if not sympathy, I always feel my blood pressure climb when I hear it.  Don't they see that by abdicating parental responsibility they are not extending their kid's childhood, they are shortening it.  They are prematurely setting their kids adrift in the trackless ocean of adulthood without even a semblance of the decision-making tools they'll need to navigate such dangerous waters.

I once confronted an Israeli mother when I noticed her 12 or 13 year old daughter smoking right next to her outside a mall.  I fully expected her to tell me to simply mind my own business (or worse).  But instead she surprised me by shrugging helplessly and saying:

"All her friends are smoking... and she's going to do it anyway... so I have to make a choice:  I can lock her in the house and become her enemy... or I can let her have her way and remain her friend.  Between being my daughter's friend or being her enemy, I chose to be her friend." 

With that she took out a cigarette and lit up as well.

I was floored to hear a parent feel they had so few options in child-rearing.  Not only that, it revealed an underlying fear that many Israeli parents seem to have of losing their children's affection if they attempt to impose discipline and order on their kids 'tipesh-esreh (loose translation: stupid-ager) pre-army years.

I can understand a certain feeling of helplessness if society at large lacks the legal and social prohibitions/taboos to bolster a parent's resolve.  But c'mon people, we're talking about our children's lives here!  How can we just shrug and look away when the kids are, quite literally, killing themselves (and each-other) with rampant underage drinking, drug abuse, promiscuity and violent confrontation?

Look, I'm also an imperfect parent (of imperfect teens) who struggles daily to find that elusive balance between being too permissive and overly strict.  But I (and hopefully they) understand that hard choices need to be made... and that for every choice there is a consequence. 

It isn't about whether they will be my enemy or my friend.  I can't really be either and make a reasonable claim to having done my job properly.  I would dearly love to be my children's best friend as they are some of the most wonderful people I know.  But they have plenty of friends, and one more or less isn't going to make a real difference.  Whether they know it or not, what they really need are parents, not another friend! 

Look at it another way: Most people would love to be a starting pitcher or a star Short Stop (Europeans think star Striker or Goalie)... but without umpires (referees) there would be bedlam on the playing field, and the game would be neither fun nor safe.  So with little modest compensation (beyond the personal satisfaction that comes with the job) and little fanfare, some people choose to become umpires.

In a Talk-back  thread on YNET where people were discussing the the rape case I mentioned at the beginning of the post, one commenter shared the following to point out how differently the futures seemed for the rapists as opposed to the girl they'd attacked:

"The two offenders will be sent to clean bathrooms for a month or two; she's on her way to vomiting up her soul in the bathroom for a year or two.  They will be sent for counseling for a week or two to make sure they know that what they did was wrong; she'll be in treatment her whole life to try to cure just one little sliver of her soul.  They'll walk around with no fear, calm and happy; she will look behind her back in fear her whole life, jumping at even the slightest touch.  They'll take aspirin if their head hurts; she'll live on tranquilizers and anti-depressants.  They'll sleep well at night; she'll sleep with tears her whole life.  They will live; she's already dead.  Everyone should be ashamed." *

While I agree with what the commenter wrote, I think he/she ignored the larger framework within which this tragedy took place.  He/she seems to imagine that the crime was committed in a vacuum... and it was not.

When I realized this I also realized why the mother who I chastised for smoking with her daughter was so incredibly wrong about her perceived choices.  But as usual, only now is it clear to me what I should have said to her (treppenwitz):

"Lady, the choice isn't between being your daughter's enemy or her friend while she's a child.  It is whether you want to have even the slightest influence over her choices, happiness and safety... now, as well as throughout her adult life. 

You're correct in saying that so many of her life experiences here in Israel are dictated by the actions and choices of those around her.  But you aren't giving her more choices by trying to be her friend... you are limiting her choices and maybe even endangering her. 

By allowing society to raise your child you are leaving her important choices to other people... or to chance.  And given the limited choices now faced by the parents of those 13-year-old boys and the 12-year-old girl, it seems that a parent should want more control of their children's fate than whether they become monsters or a victims."

[Note:  Although some may see the above as somehow blaming the victim, please know that that is the furthest thing from what I meant.  I was simply trying to make the point that crimes such as this are becoming more and more commonplace and one can't look at them as isolated incidents anymore.  They are symptomatic of something dreadfully wrong with the way society views parenting roles and responsibilities.]

* Source