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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

How to scare your spouse so badly she'll threaten to kill you...

... in three easy steps:

1.  Ask her to help disconnect you from the tangle of wires and tubes connecting you to the nerve-center of your ER cubicle so you can go to the bathroom without having to suffer the indignity of a bedpan.

2.  When you return from the bathroom, let her begin re-assembling the intricate web of pressure cuff, heart monitor and pulse/oxygen leads to their previous functioning configuration.

3.  When she plugs in the wires for the heart monitor, pretend you are having a seizure.

If I hadn't already been in the hospital, I have no doubt that Zahava would have hospitalized me (once she stopped screaming and grabbing her head in alarm, that is).

Posted by David Bogner on November 25, 2008 | Permalink


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and the woman is baking muffins to ensure that the nurses treat you well????
(cue eshet chayil music)
i do hope you get to go home today so your spouse can care for you in the manner to which you've become accustomed...maybe she'll even make you some fresh chicken...

Posted by: Debbie | Nov 25, 2008 1:12:50 PM

I can't believe you did that!?!?

AWESOME! .... errr, I mean shame on you, what were you thinking, scaring Zahava like that!

Now you're probably really lucky she didn't "flatline" you in return to allow the nursing staff to swoop in and save you.

Those muffins might now be used as a different kind of bribe.

Note to self: ... have to remember that one... classic!

Posted by: Jethro | Nov 25, 2008 1:49:09 PM

Your stuff should be properly tossed into the front yard by the time you get home! :)

Posted by: val | Nov 25, 2008 1:50:54 PM

Avi says if he'd pulled a stunt like that, I would have suddenly grabbed the paddles from the crash cart, and the last sound he would have heard was me yelling "CLEAR!"

It is good to have a husband who understands his wife's limitations. :-}

Posted by: rutimizrachi | Nov 25, 2008 2:06:43 PM

Of course this would only be funny with somebody ELSE'S husband....

Posted by: G6 | Nov 25, 2008 2:33:06 PM

Are you sure your key will work the next time you leave the house? Guess you are feeling better, hope they spring you soon.

Posted by: Rachel | Nov 25, 2008 2:34:00 PM

Oh, man. I think she should arrange to have you kept there another few days and made to eat that food :-)

Posted by: Ezer K'negdo | Nov 25, 2008 2:39:45 PM

I don't know if you were ever non-frum enough to watch the Smothers brothers. They had a line--I don't remember it exactly, but something like:
"You're going to go to hell for this...."
No comment needed.

Posted by: rickismom | Nov 25, 2008 2:43:55 PM

you are one sick puppy. pun completely intended.

Posted by: nikki | Nov 25, 2008 2:53:35 PM

Oh, you're a brave, brave man...

Posted by: psachya | Nov 25, 2008 3:49:15 PM

Oh, you did NOT do that...did you?

Dare I ask what Zahava's full reaction was? Or are we still waiting for your return home to see her full response?

Posted by: tnspr569 | Nov 25, 2008 3:55:26 PM

Maybe it's a "guy" thing, but after those years with you on a bandstand... I'm not surprised. Only you, Dave, only you... :-)

All the best wishes from here for a speedy recovery.

And remember, Zahava, "revenge is a dish best served cold..." ;-)

Posted by: Michael Spengler | Nov 25, 2008 4:05:38 PM

Naughty ! Naughty ! You didn't. Wow, I hope Bob does not read this and get ideas.

Posted by: [email protected] | Nov 25, 2008 4:49:41 PM

One day that beekeeping suit might end up with a few holes in it. Course, I'd be lying if I said that I wouldn't do the same thing in the hospital.

Posted by: Jack | Nov 25, 2008 5:39:55 PM

Haha - you must be feeling better! :D

Posted by: Chantal | Nov 25, 2008 5:49:00 PM

Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING says funny like faking a seizure. Well done.


Posted by: What War Zone??? | Nov 25, 2008 6:01:00 PM

Shame on you! Your wife has to deal with the family by herself while you are away, then she has to deal with the family and you in the hospital, and you go and pull a stunt like that?

Posted by: westbankmama | Nov 25, 2008 6:17:09 PM

If I weren't giggling, I'd be saying shame on you.

Posted by: orieyenta | Nov 25, 2008 6:38:24 PM

He writes AND acts?

You are quite the talented one, aren't you?

But I have faith in Zehava; when you least expect it, expect it.

Posted by: Baila | Nov 25, 2008 6:41:12 PM

SOOOO wrong. (And hilarious.)

Posted by: Ezzie | Nov 25, 2008 6:59:48 PM

aaaaaaaaand I have a new hero

Posted by: G | Nov 25, 2008 7:02:28 PM

you are so ebbil!
And I hope Zehava gets you good for this.

Posted by: triLcat | Nov 25, 2008 7:28:15 PM

You know I side with Zahava...no comment necessary.
I know she will think of something AWESOME to pay you pack with for THAT one!

Posted by: SaraK | Nov 25, 2008 7:38:01 PM

I don't know which is better watching you "seize", or watching Zehava's reaction. I think I'll buy tickets to both.

Posted by: QuietusLeo | Nov 25, 2008 8:01:29 PM

You're boasting about tricking and scaring your wife, at a time when she has to look after your home and your children, and inviting your readers to join in your gloating over your so-called joke?

Not in the least funny. Appalling, I'd say.

Posted by: Judy | Nov 25, 2008 8:35:59 PM

Gee, I'm mystified as to why a women who was terrified for a few days that she'd lose her husband would want to kill you for making her think that you were going to suddenly die on her. Refuah shelemah and may you get off the pain meds that make you do stupid things like that very soon.

Posted by: dys | Nov 25, 2008 8:36:22 PM

OY! Just getting caught up tonight---first, get well soon; second, I've had pleurisy (in college) and it's painful and requires a lot of rest, but it's not dangerous unless you skip the antibiotics and refuse to rest--get yourself some downtime; third, you're lucky you weren't beaten to death with a bedpan, you tease! What an awful thing to do! I'll be appalled as soon as I stop laughing!

Posted by: aliyah06 | Nov 25, 2008 10:27:02 PM

Oy va-avoy.

Get well soon, David, and get Zahava some serious roses when you do! (Assuming she likes roses, that is.)

Posted by: Rahel | Nov 25, 2008 11:11:47 PM

oh, my... i'd say we're long past roses and well into some serious precious metals and/or stones

Posted by: bratschegirl | Nov 26, 2008 2:40:02 AM

Well, I hope you learned your lesson (which I figure has something to do with how much fun scaring your wife can be).

Speaking of lessons, it looks I need to give my wife (bobbyjoyceATsbcglobalDOTnet) a lesson in putting her name is the "Name" space and her email address in the "Email Address" space.

Posted by: Bob | Nov 26, 2008 5:03:55 AM

what was that new dog of yours called again? enjoy your time with him when you get home from the hospital. ;o/

Posted by: Wry Mouth | Nov 26, 2008 5:47:14 AM

Funny.... funny.... funny.....

"You a funny man, Bogner!" [NOT!]

Now. What is funny is that you, in your subsequent post refer to a nice folksy Guthro tune, while this particular post evokes something..... er.... a bit more edgy!.

Hmmmmm..... Something like... hmmmm.... a little numba' by Queen Latifa and Macy Gray, perhaps? Something a little, er, shall we say.... Chicago Style?!

He Had it Comin'

Otherwise known as Cell Block Tango.....

Check out the lyrics! http://jeays.net/files/cellblocktango.htm

I'm jes' sayin'.....

In all seriousness, while I appreciate the all of you who've properly chastized David on my behalf, I am truly relieved that he felt well enough to pull that little stunt! It's been a looooooong few days....

Posted by: zahava | Nov 26, 2008 8:19:11 AM

Zahava: Feel free to borrow my glock or M16. (my solid wood core baseball bat works fine too)

Posted by: Jameel @ The Muqata | Dec 1, 2008 12:20:52 PM

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